Sunday, June 24, 2007

Lonely

My wife took the kids to Texas to see her father on Friday; it's Sunday night. I was really looking forward to the time alone as I haven't really had much time to myself in years. I used to travel frequently for work, and that gave me some "breaks" from homelife, but I was still always surrounded by people (restaurants, hotel lobbies, offices, cabs, etc).

I have been bowled over by the emotions that have overtaken me this weekend. The crew won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, so that will mean that they've been gone for a solid 72 hours.

Night 1: initial temporary bachelorhood high. it felt great to have some space and peace and quiet. being able to do whatever I wanted on my schedule. went to dinner with a friend.

Day 1: lost. temporary bachelorhood euphoria wore off in a hurry. busied myself with errands, and spent a fair amount of time hanging out downtown. good bike ride in the morning. plowed through the epic Gladiator. friend shuttled me around to get my car in for regular service (thank you!). decided to do a fair amount of work to keep my mind focused on something; wrote a "vision" document/statement for Me.dium. never bothered drawing the shades.

Night 2: "guy's night out." good food, good dessert, general carousing (we are so harmless it's almost funny). fell asleep watching the "making of Gladiator" disc.

Day 2: decided to plow through laundry backlog; washer and dryer have been going non-stop all day. went for a killer mountain bike ride up the canyon; one of my all-time favorite trails; nice and technical and dangerous. tea and scones with my parents in the morning; very nice. I need to do a better job staying connected to them. lots of work. visited some friends and their newborn (third child); hadn't seen them in ages.

Evening 2 (right now): heart is aching for my family. bring on the chaos and non-stop talking, crying, banging about. I want my kids in my arms. I want to see their faces. I want to hear their voices. slideshow of kids keeps going off on computer; each image sucks me in.

Anticipation of morning 3: the third morning in a row not waking up to my son asking me if I can "get up now" is going to be a doozy.

Aside from Gladiator, no television watching (we've had our TV disconnected for over a month now; feels great).

There has only been one other time in my life when I've felt this alone; doesn't feel good.

Without my family in this house, there is no life in it.

With all that said, I'm sure I'll jump at the opportunity to spend time solo again.

I'm the type of person that needs breathers and space from time to time.

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